So for the past year i have been a slave to the hospitality industry. Waitressing to be exact. All the while I was studying law and sociology in school. But recently I was fired from that job for a very very VERY idiotic reason that I have no one else to blame for but myself. However I’ve come to…
So I got fired from my job a few weeks ago. And I was so depressed about it. Of course my mother didn’t make the situation any easier. At the same time I understand her frustration with me because I feel the same towards myself…. But she’s such a heartless cunt about it that I just want to push her down a flight of stairs. Despite my dysfunctional relationship towards my mother, I lost my job at applebees.
And I didn’t realize what I lost until I no longer had it. Mind you its a shit job. Like the job you get to hold you over through school. But I’m such a shit head when it comes to money and school that I couldn’t ever hold onto either very long. 23 and still no degree. Going on 24. All around me are other young adults struggling to get by. Either they got pregnant early, family issues or what ever, they at least have a reason. My reasons for failing are a failure. I have both my parents and a wonderful home. Sure we fight all the time and barely ever touch one another. But still we have a bit more then others. Hot home made food everyday. Two lexus cars in the driveway of our 2 story home. We’re not hoarders of any sort so the home remains fairly clean. But I’m just a loser. I really should just go. The minute I save (ha ha me save money. That’s hilarious. A whole year and a half as an employee and all I’ve got is the 23 dollars in my pocket my father gave to me) yea I should just leave. I still want to graduate but I want to just go. To feel something somewhere. I’m so fake on the outside and dead on the inside. I’ve never been in a meaningful relationship. Either they never felt it towards me or I was too bitch to let myself. I honestly have no real experience doing anything useful towards anyone. I’m just a burden. I take up space and use up air.
Oh I tried cutting the other day. I’ve been playing with the idea for a while. But one day I went nuts for a minute. I woke up feeling like total shit. Like depressed I should just walk into a street type shit. I blew up at my father when he tried to tell me not to go to my interview when it was snowing outside. And I lost it. I’ve never felt any lower then that moment. Yea my dad has become a hard ass over the year’s but the man does everything for me. I’m so worthless. I feel terrible for the type of daughter I am. This man spent his life specifically for me and my brothers and here I am dicking my way through life and I blow up at the only man that will do my taxes. How am I aware of all of my social flaws and yet still be help less to remedy myself?
Ok I need to stop being so depressed. I’m meeting femi for the children volunteer program then training at my new possible (crossing fingers) last job. And I need to finish my paper before 1…..maybe when I leave ny I can do yoga again.